When the perfect storm hits, you have two choices - smile and jump into it, praying for something bigger than you to take you to shore. Or resist it, fight it. Either way, you may die.
You may not live, but I am learning to believe, to have faith that things will turn out. I believe when you believe that an island and a margarita await you when you get to shore, perhaps there’s a better chance of being lifted out of the wind and the water and learn to breathe underwater. I’m learning to believe in focusing on what it will be like when I reach my goal, to help me manage through my fears.
I’m not saying I will make it out “alive and well”, I am saying I want to. I want to stay here, and I want to do big things in this world. I want to change myself so I can change some of the world. Why? Because I don’t like everything the world has been offering lately but more importantly, I believe there is more beauty available here on earth than what our species has created thus far.
Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate so much of what we have created. And yet, there’s more…. There’s more love, there’s more sharing, caring, compassion…there’s more empathy available than what I’ve been seeing.
I believe we can all learn how to connect in a way that is not “power over” others. I want to see a system where those in need are getting fed with the waste of those who need to “dump” their excess. I want to see a system where regardless of skin color or opinion, we can trust and live in peace with our beautiful differences.
There has to be a better way. Can I be a bridge builder? God, let me build a bridge between those who need it most and those who are seeing their surplus create waste in the world. Let there be no more waste. Let the waste feed the hungry. God give me the funds, yes, the money to help me make a difference. Give me the ability to let go of my ego every day so that I can show up not for myself but for a greater good. Let me be a bridge between marginalized communities, no matter their skin color and the powers that be who can help create better for everyone.
Let the resources I create be a blessing to millions. And let me create an abundance of resources to bless millions more.
Yes, I want to collaborate and co-create - for the purpose of creating what matters and to give in a greater way.
This is what I’m living into - but it’s not where I was last Friday. Last Friday, I sat in a dark confused, dismal place. I allowed my current reality give way to my predisposed place of worry when a storm hits.
You see I grew up on a West Texas farm, where at least once a season I took in the anxiety, worry and loss of hope that sometimes gripped both my dad and my grandfather. I remember sitting by the window watching the storm with the family, knowing that “this could be the storm” that takes us out. I actually remember feeling like if the storm hit just right, we would likely die. A tornado could rip through the house. A thunderstorm could take out the crop and then dad couldn’t pay “his note” to the bank, and then, and then, and then…. I felt all of those things deeply. They were programmed in.
And guess what, it didn’t happen. Yes, there were a lot of storms. There were a lot of hard years, there may have even been some years “the bank note” couldn’t be paid. I don’t know because the details of money weren’t really discussed - just the promise of what it meant for a “good crop” (we could pay off our debt - yeah!) or the consequence of what it meant to have a “bad crop” - (we could not pay off our debt….and then what?? Too much to think about).
So, I have spent most of my life “preparing for a storm” - I started in college by receiving a full ride to college through multiple scholarships (no, the costs were NOT what it is now) plus a job then a second job - plus a full load of classes (with a broken wrist on my writing hand - before keyboards were heard of).
And since then, most of the choices I’ve made in life have been for enough of a “financial net” to be “safe from the storm”.
So WILD that my growing awareness (pre and post divorce, loads of therapy, coaching, self-help masters, etc.) has taken me a place to begin visioning my life in a new way. One where I began to let go of my hold on “fear of losing money.” Fear’s hold on me. As I began this year, January 2020, living into the vision of getting my daughter to a fully supportive school for her individual learning needs, it brought me to a place where I simultaneously had to breathe through being “extra leveraged” financially for the first time, maybe ever as an adult.
We found a beautiful school in North Richland Hills and a home in Colleyville, TX, which happens to be a little magical oasis in the Dallas/Fort Worth area. Beautiful, spacious, and not only that, I found a home on a couple of acres with a horse stable, and the ability to have horses.
Moving here during COVID into this early 80’s style ranch-house, with minimal trees, pasture, barn, and even the horses being stabled on our property has taken me back to my West Texas roots. We feel at home. And as we finalized the close of the house, the “perfect storm” I had been avoiding my entire life, hit.
While I was able to lock in an amazing interest rate for the loan, the money I had saved for a down payment had been put in “very secure” dividend stocks (instead of a savings account)….which came tumbling down before I pulled it out. At the same time, my business pipeline came to a screeching halt as “stay at home” policies were put into place across the globe. When this perfect storm hits, there is almost freedom in it hitting. It’s like a balloon you’ve been protecting just pops, and then you can breathe. And then once you start breathing again, you realize how hard it is to learn how to breathe again.
Because you’ve been holding so much worry and stress around this whole time that you’re not even aware your lack of breathing. So, the breathing helps. It gives you permission to feel everything you’ve been worried about to a greater level.
And once you feel it and let it pass through you, then your mind can kick in again and say again - “what do I want? What is important to me?” I was able to remember what I want. And once I remembered what I wanted, I could take action without knowing all the details on how – it was as if the drowning caused a necessary intuitive reaction to survive, to pull me out of the deep water. And I navigated out of it.
What I’m recognizing is that there are times in life to ask the “how” question and there are times to ask the “what” question.
It’s easy for me to get into all the “how’s” right now - that is my fear kicking in. (How am I going to survive, keep the business alive, keep my daughter and I fed, keep my people who count on me to bring in business fed?)
However, I know from the way we design research questioning techniques that the “what" questions are the most important ones as you begin any major undertaking - the “what” creates a mechanism for your brain to imagine. The “how” begins to form as you move through the “what” - it guides you forward.
What I want is to protect my baby, to show her bravery in the storm, I want to protect the people who depend on me for supportive income, and I want to continue doing the amazing work I love. I want to help my clients weather the storm.
But maybe most importantly, I want to be a ripple at the surface of the earth. One that says to everyone I know who also struggles with fear - don’t quit, it’s ok to fear, we all do, but you must move through it. You must stand up and think about what you want. For when you can imagine a future you want, your life can change, not only your life, but those you impact.
I didn’t come to this place of acceptance, of strength, of understanding who I am, to give up now. I intend to co-create a world that is better because I am here. I intend to co-create what matters. More on the how soon…
