Here we are in what Brené Brown calls “Day 2” in her Unlocking Us podcast. She refers to it as the intense “in between.” The time after the die has been cast - we are past the point of no return.
There’s a glaze that has formed again over our initial raw feelings that burst forth back in March when COVID hit and rippled shock through us all. Now I notice emotional cover-up again, like how caulking and a fresh coat of paint can close up the cracks where the foundation has shifted - both in my own emotions and what I see on Facebook and other social media.
In place of the heartfelt emotions I saw at the beginning of our pandemic when everything was raw, I now see pointing of fingers. I see how hard it is for us all to be with our own emotions.
Ironically, I see this in myself even though I spent the greater part of the summer writing about emotions. I took a group of beta testers through this process I call Empathy Co-Creation™ - giving them tools to help unearth emotions to harness their energy and power to create more of what matters in their life.
Brené talks about Day 2 being not only the messy middle but also where the magic happens. She references that this is more than just what she sees in her own practice but also a theme in most storytelling, described as Act 2. I found a great article here that describes Day 2 as “The Protagonist’s Arc.” This messy magic happens because it’s the point of transformation - when the protagonist is willing to be vulnerable and ask for help, recognizing that we can’t do it alone.
I resonate with this so much – not only from a broader perspective due to the heaviness of COVID, racial injustice, climate issues and more, but also in the way I see creation happen time after time, project after project when going through the process.
It corresponds to the way I have laid out the Empathy Co-Creation framework of my course – the Discover & Blend modules in the process are what I would call “the messy middle.”
And it’s also where I find myself now – I’ve written what I know, and I find myself in this in-between phase. Vacillating between wanting to put it on a shelf and just push it forward, knowing there’s still more for me to uncover. Knowing that I must be willing to dig deep myself… I must be vulnerable and ask for help to get through the middle. I’m seeing that we, that I, can’t skip the middle.
I have this unique vantage point of having a job where its purpose is to excavate, understand, explore, investigate and finally create from a “mess” of information. To make it mean what it needs to mean – to create by marrying heart data with ideas and vision. I have explored what people want in depth for the purpose of creating solutions based on emotional needs.
I’ve spent thousands upon thousands of hours writing specific discussion guides, conducting focus groups, drawing templates to facilitate conversations around the emotional landscape of various categories. Whether for toilet paper, how people care for their hair, what foods they like to eat and why or how they shop for their pets.
And I began thinking a couple years ago about, if we could create products and services in mass based on people’s emotions, why can we not use the same methodology to create solutions for the good by internally reflecting on and being with our own and others’ emotions with more empathy.
My job, at least professionally, is to sit and listen with complete detachment and only curiosity to what someone’s telling me and to probe further in order to understand from their perspective what reality looks like for that person.
And when I am tuned into who this person is and what their reality is without judgment and only curiosity, my ego, my fear, my amygdala falls to the back seat and instead, honors the prefrontal cortex with which creation occurs. I believe that if these skills can be utilized to harness our own emotions in depth and/or the emotions of others in a way that creates powerful transformation, the divisiveness, conflicts, judgment, defensiveness will rest.
It will step aside because we will be in a state of creating with and for each other. Now I know this sounds quite unreasonable considering where we are, but I also know that it works. I know it works because I am paid well to do this very thing for the purpose of creation, and I have watched the fruits of my labor manifest into extreme abundance for those who are able to create from it.
It is time that we all stop judging each other. It is time to start getting curious. Just start listening. For when we slow down, get curious, and listen to another’s heart, our own heart shifts, and the judgment chains we are trapped in start to loosen a little.
I also recognize the irony it has been for me to be an “expert” in empathy interviewing and yet have been shut off to my own emotions for so many years. The life changes I’ve been through the last few years have created a new recognition about how challenging it is to be empathetic when we either believe strongly about something or we care deeply for someone. And even greater a challenge still for many of us, is to be self-empathetic.
Ironically our beliefs we emotionally care about the most can keep us from accessing our empathy. And what is empathy? Empathy is the catalyst, the connection to compassion if you let it be. It is the tool that moves us from our mind and into our hearts. I developed an Emotional Landscape framework as a part of this course I wanted to share here. I like frameworks. And because there is so much being written about emotions these days, I needed to create a new way to think about emotions in a context that I know works.
This framework is through the lens of creation and control – along the horizontal axis are emotions that either keep you “stuck”(the far left side) or have “momentum” (the far right) while the vertical axis are emotions that help put you in a state of “in control” (top) or “out of control” (bottom). When we can uncover what’s really going on inside us emotionally and why, and shift to what is desired, we can become more creative and feel more in control.
When anyone, especially a group, comes together in a space of creative control, magic happens. Products are made. Strategy is developed. Things change in a massive way.
But back to the messy middle. Here is some of the feedback on my course from my initial testers:
1. My course could be possibly better served if it was pulled out of the linear framework and more into buckets or themes
2. It would be good to have almost a recipe or cookbook so that people can utilize the different tools based on where they are in their creative process or what they are trying to create.
3. Consider tailoring to people based on “what” they’re trying to create - whether it’s a small or large change or a certain area of life, something specific (a new career) or general (a new attitude).
4. I have been focused on the “how to” (empathy) instead of the “benefits of” empathy.
So will you help me customize my course so that it’s better suited for all of these factors? I now have a better understanding of some of the “benefits” of empathy – how my empathy tools can actually benefit others. And I have a link here (and below) to a survey so I can now do for myself what I’ve been doing for others – better analyze what benefits matter most and to whom? If you’re interested in me bringing this to life, can you click the link and take the survey for me? All questions are optional – you can answer what you feel comfortable with.
I’ve been reluctant to put these ideas out into the world until I feel more confident it will be a game changer. So much of what I’ve done over the years - creating tools processes questions etc. have all been customized for specific project objectives. I’m wanting to now categorize what I’ve been working on for years in a way that can help leaders in their personal and professional endeavors in a way that is the most meaningful and can create the most change.
I want successful affluent leaders to be able to dig in below the surface to harness their power, their creative energy, to help them create more of what really matters in their lives.
Here’s a link to a quick survey – if you’re interested in this idea moving forward, would you be so kind to tell me what you want to create and where you are in the creative process?
Regardless, I hope you’re keeping well in this messy middle. That you’re finding hope – that there are moments at least where you live in the top right quadrant above and you are finding your way back on solid ground. I believe we are going to get there, and that what we are learning along the way will stay with us when we do.