Of Grace, Grit, Gratitude and the Gift of Giving

As the holiday whirlwind ensues, I find myself contemplating all that 2019 has brought, and taught me. I am coming off of a year I never thought I would have.  

I never envisioned this last year’s events, and trust me, I’ve done a lot of visioning in the past. Now, I look back and reflect. They say your greatest pain can become your greatest gift. So, maybe that reoccurring thought has led me to the place where I am now. A place of questioning -

What is the gift:

1. What did I learn that I want to hold onto next year?

2. What am I going to let go of that no longer serves me?

Here’s my biggest takeaway: “Most everyone’s doing the best they can, including me.”  That one learning alone is a gift. A gift of acceptance.  

Acceptance opens my eyes to new choices, new possibilities, new ways of thinking, of being.

1. Acceptance Gives me Grace. - grace for myself and for those who have caused me pain. I have learned this year a prayer that has kept me sane (some days). It somehow softens me. In Hawaii, they call it the Ho'oponopono Prayer. I call it the prayer of acceptance because it is one tool I have used to help me install grace into the software of my brain.

2. Acceptance Gives me Grit. - to get back up, again. and again, and again….and again. To move forward. As Angela Duckworth puts it in GRIT - “….grit grows as we figure out our life philosophy, learn to dust ourselves off after rejection and disappointment.” Yes, I can see that acceptance makes way to resolve (“grit”) for what is important to me - growing stronger than anything else.

3. Acceptance Gives me Gratitude. I have become painfully aware of my power to choose. The most powerful choice, I have decided, is whether to choose suffering or choose gratitude. I’ve been amazed at how often God has shown up in the deepest, darkest places to shed a bit of light. Whether it’s small miracles that are more than a coincidence, an unexpected kind gesture or just eye-opening awe, I have found God in a magical way this year, and the more I am grateful, the more of God I see.

4. Acceptance fuels my Passion to Give. - through the lens of a full cup, my heart has become open to seeing the greater pain outside of me. By getting through to the other side of what seemed like an impossible hill to climb - gaining stability through a divorce, removing chaos, buying and moving to a new home, untangling all of my affairs, including my business, and most importantly, finding creative ways to carry my daughter through it where I can still see her smile, snuggle and connect, I see there is a gift to give.

So, that is the question “what gift can I give?” in this new learning of “most everyone is just doing the best they can?”  

 My gift is greater empathy - I now have a deep compassion for other single moms who are less fortunate than me.  I now know how difficult it is to go through a divorce - even if it is not what you wanted or planned for.  It is systemically difficult for women to find hope - to stand on their own feet on the other side of divorce.  Culturally, legally, religiously, we have systems that are built on families staying together.  

 I want to be a part of giving hope for those who find themselves in crisis, that they too can get to the other side and stabilize.  I want to help women who need it to rise up with their children on the other side of a broken marriage - to give them hope and a newfound love - love of self.

So, as divine power would have it, we are hosting our first-ever give back gathering - it will be held on December 19, 2019 from 2:30-5:30 at Her HQ (a new event space for women) in Bishop Arts District in Dallas.

We are partnering with Interfaith Housing Coalition whose mission is to empower families in crisis to break the cycle of poverty.  We will be assembling self-care gifts for 50 moms at the gathering.  It will be a gathering of elves to promote hope and “self-care”- because moms who take care of themselves can take better care of others.  Interfaith will take the gifts and deliver them to these moms on or before December 25th!

We have been so blessed with generous donations and sponsors -Jergens, Chili’s, Ban, John Frieda, Curél, Bioré, 2nd Kind, Fieldwork, and Fears Nachawati Law Firm.  

We still have a few remaining items on our wish list if you would like to donate, the link to Amazon Wish List is here.  

What To Do With an Idea Called Made With Empathy

A few years ago, I started having the urge to grow my business. At the time, I wasn’t sure exactly what that would look like but it seemed important to me at the time.  Now I know that the growth I was looking for was within me, not outside of me.

These are the beliefs that were the foundation for my desire to grow:

• Without growth, one becomes stagnant

• It would give my life more purpose, meaning

• I would feel more accomplished

• It would give me more freedom

• I was feeling burnt out

So, I started working on a growth Idea to offer educational tools to teach what we do for large corporations. At one point, I thought I would teach other small business owners to conduct their own marketing research, then the Idea evolved to teaching corporate leaders tools to help them collaborate better when co-creating. 

For the last 3 years, I did what I guess one does when they have an Idea, at least according to this book:  What Do You Do With an Idea?  I have been looking at my own navel: wondering about it, dreaming about it, thinking about it, researching it, dabbling in it, telling myself it’s dumb, and then finally, I put it on a shelf.

To be fair to myself, I tried a few things: I went through a strategy process, I drafted an entire online course, created a Mastermind group, tested my idea once, then another time, and it has done a lot of shape shifting in the process.

And through this naval-gazing phase of the process, a name was created for the Idea, and then a trademark application requested. And, as luck would have it, just a few weeks ago I received a letter that it has officially been trademarked.  Thus, a brand name for the Idea on the shelf was established: Made With Empathy™.  Now, I must take it off the shelf, dust it off, and see what happens.

I have been thinking about what holds me back, and it is fear.  I wish fear didn’t hold me back.  I’m fearful of it being a flop, that it won’t be meaningful to others, and that it’s just a stupid Idea, not really what others want or need.  

I’m also fearful of getting laughed at, criticized, rejected. That it will impact the work I already enjoy doing.  I don’t want to change what I love about my work, I just want to “enhance it”, make it shiny and loved…by me.  So, that’s the fight within myself – giving myself permission to do something important for me while wanting it to also have a positive, helpful impact to others. 

I wish it was easier for me to launch a new Idea into the world.  I see (and help others) do it for a living (link back to April bell research group services).  It’s so ironic because I help corporations do what is the hardest thing for me to do – launch their ideas into the world in a way that creates a massive impact – by marrying their Idea with the Needs of others.  After going through my own mental battle to “launch something”, I am even more impressed and in awe with all of the brands, companies and people who bring new products and services to life.

This Idea of Making things with Empathy hit my core because I witness on a consistent basis how ideas can take on form and literally get created out of nothing more than a brainstorm or ideation session.  When a team comes together to collaborate, to get clear on their objectives as a team, set aside their own personal opinions, and begin listening to each other, and those they are trying to create for, magic happens.  It happens almost every time, when teams (and the people within those teams) show up, get present, get out of their own heads, create space to focus, and are willing to resiliently pursue next steps when the idea doesn’t work the 1st time, or the 2nd, or the 3rd.  It’s really incredible.

I get to see great, brilliant people create amazing products and services – and they do it by using a lot of Empathy.  And I get hired to be “the Empathizer” – I get to build a bridge between consumer and creator, between creators.  I get to create space for magic to happen. 

Ironically, I’ve learned a lot about Empathy this last year.  Before then, I didn’t think I had a lot to learn.  If you’ve taken the StrengthFinder test, you may be familiar that Empathy is one of the 34 strengths.  Empathy is my #2 strength, which means I can intuitively and immediately feel and care about other’s feelings.  And my #1 strength is WOO (Winning Others Over) which means I love meeting and getting to know people, as many people as possible.  Perfect for the job I do.

But it doesn’t leave someone with those 2 strengths a lot of room for their own emotions.  I am currently reading a fascinating book by Richard Davidson, The Emotional Life of Your Brain.  In it, he has created an Emotional Style based on 6 dimensions - one of them is Self-Awareness.  I have realized how “Self-Opaque” I am – which means I have been mostly unaware of what I’m feeling most of my life.

What I’m learning is that even though it’s one of my strengths according to StrengthFinder, my ability to Empathize is actually limited due to the lack of it I have for myself.  

When one is able to empathize with their own feelings AND with the feelings of others, it creates clarity, and intentional, purposeful action.

Empathy with myself gives me clarity, and with clarity I can see the next action.  

It tells me when...

1. I need to stand strong because it’s my truth and I can’t be swayed

2. To find grace to be present with someone else’s experience without taking it on as my own

Empathy - with BOTH self and others - is the key to co-creating and bringing new things to reality. 

So, that’s where this idea originated.  I have conducted over 10,000 hours of focus groups, interviews, co-creation sessions using Empathy, and now I am wondering:  "Why can’t these tools be shifted and used outside the focus group setting to design a more meaningful life with each other?” 

So now my why for growth is different – it’s more meaningful.  I have a vision of creating deeper connections, greater collaborations, and ultimately more joy and meaning in the world.

That’s why I want to create tools, a useful system or process….but I need your help. 

I’m not going to do any more navel gazing. I want to know what’s wanted (what the bigger need or desire is) because if I can understand that, I can customize Made With Empathy ™ so that it’s helping achieve what is most wanted.

If you’re interested, please answer these few questions about what would make Made With Empathy™ tools most meaningful to you - Click here.  

Let’s see where this Idea takes us…

How Increased Empathy Gave Me a Beautiful, Fresh Start

I have spent most of my career using empathy to help connect and translate people’s emotions for the purpose building brands. 

I love helping brands connect the dots based on the emotional desires of their consumer. It not only helps brands with their internal marketing, it also facilitates consumers to get more of what they want.

Someone recently used the word "bridge builder” as a way to encapsulate what it is I do - yes, that’s what it is.  And “bridge building" requires empathy.  To be a successful focus group moderator, you must exude empathy.  It must pour from your pores.  You must listen with presence, curiosity, and use that curiosity to co-create new ideas.  

When you “feel” what others feel and use the power of your brain to create new questions and connections, co-creation occurs in a very meaningful way.  Whereas, if your mind is distracted and not listening, you can’t really ask relevant questions.  Both your head and your heart have to be listening in conjunction with each other in order to co-create something new with others.

While I am hyper vigilant about these things in my work, my personal life, it appears, is a different story sometimes. When I am out of this controlled “focus group" setting, I recognize it is more difficult to be empathetic because it is more difficult to be present.  

Much of the time in my personal life, I lean into wanting to change some aspect of what’s going on in the present -  I want others to show up in a different way than they are or perhaps “be" different than who they are being.  And my divorce has taught me that I can’t control anyone else’s thoughts, behaviors or ways of being…except my own.  

So, how did this increase empathy and creativity for me?  Because I am beginning to see the value of using my “focus group” skills in my own life.  

Here are the connections I made to help transfer the automatic empathy skills I use weekly in controlled “focus group" settings to my personal life with my daughter:

1. Creating Space Allows Presence - The reason focus groups work well for deep connection is because you purposefully create space for people to listen to each other. While I am great at creating space for others, it wasn’t until lately that I began to create some space for myself. I remember one night a few months ago when we had some spare time, I was just sitting, doing nothing except observing my daughter play. I wasn’t on my phone, or watching a movie, I was just sitting, watching, being present with her. She was talking to herself - in an imaginary scenario. As I listened to her, I started thinking about who she is becoming, what it must be like to be her. I saw her outside of me in a new way.

2. Presence Moves you From Anxiety into Curiosity

   1. As I sat, present with her, really seeing her, seeing past my own pain, I began getting curious about my daughter’s pain. If you haven’t been through a divorce, it may be hard to empathize with what it’s like. Many people believe it’s a “choice” - and that because you didn’t “work hard enough to save the marriage", the pain and loss is undermined. But divorce is the death of something sacred, and it comes with pain.

   2. I can tell you that the pain and loss combined with the shame and guilt is so consuming that it is difficult to NOT get lost in it. And when you are lost in your own pain, it’s challenging to be present (to empathize) with your children's pain, anyone else’s pain, that is. There’s so much fear - "how am I going to make it on the other side?” "What’s wrong with me?” "How did this happen?” "What is going to happen next?” All of these fearful, anxious thoughts can have one (me, that is) spinning out of control. But this particular night, as I watched her, my curiosity grew. I became curious about who she was being in that moment, about what it must be like to be her.

   3. I realize I didn’t know what it felt like to be her because my parents didn’t go through a divorce when I was young. I never experienced living in 1 home, then moving back and forth to 2 homes. I got curious in that moment while looking at her - wondering what she was feeling, and imagining how heart wrenching it must be, on so many levels, having the world as you knew it disrupted, torn apart.

3. Curiosity Breeds Creativity

   1. The cool thing about curiosity, though, is that it moves you from the fearful limbic part of the brain to the prefrontal cortex, which breeds creativity. With presence, listening, really listening and “feeling into” what the experience is like to be someone else, your brain shifts to creative solutioning.

   2. As I watched her, the questions I asked myself were different -

      1. From Fearful questions - “how will I survive this" TO…

      2. Presence - “How interesting that she stopped playing by herself and tried to pull me into her game"

      3. Curiosity - "I wonder what she needs from me right now?"

      4. Creativity - “What am I going to do about helping her see the beauty in having 2 homes instead of 1?” “How can I show up and be the best I can be as a co-parent in a way that helps her feel safe?”

   3. Suddenly, boom, a new thought allowed me to shift away from my own fearful questions, into solving something for her. That is empathy. That is connectivity, that is creativity. It is what brands… and a deeper connected life is built on.

   4. And the creativity can continue. Now I want to know: "How can I build more of that connection in my life?” And "How can I help my daughter move from fear to curiosity and creative grow?” Moving from surviving to thriving - that’s the problem I am now solving for….how to thrive in what is.

But what does Empathy for others you love actually require?

1. Empathy Requires Neutrality:

   1. I realize how much I judge around me - in a focus group, I am hired, primarily because I am considered a neutral 3rd party. It’s hard for people within a company, brand, etc. to ask neutral questions to their customer audience - for example: “You do like this idea, don’t you?” 🙂. These questions don’t allow co-creation, they create stagnancy. Instead, they hire a neutral moderator to simply “be with” their customers - allowing for greater understanding, deeper emotional connection because people open up to those who give them a compassionate, neutral space to be in. When they feel judged, or that their answers will be “wrong”, they stop talking.

   2. As I sat with my daughter that night, I was just with her as she was telling me what she needed. I allowed her to speak, and I didn’t try to change or correct or shift what she was saying. I also didn’t throw myself into the more normal judgment of myself - instead of blaming myself, I allowed space for me to stay with her, without judgment. I resisted the urge to encourage her, shift her thinking, give her a new perspective, all of the things I normally do to “help” her. And I resisted the urge to self-flagellate “how could I do this to her?” “I”m the worst mom.” “She’ll never recover.” Remaining neutral created a little "magical moment for mama and daughter” for us BOTH to see that I could in fact, be neutral, and truly empathetic without having to “fix or solve” it. What a concept just to hold space for her.

2. Empathy Requires “Being with” Strong Emotion Without Resistance:

   1. Because I stayed in the space with her, she likely felt more at ease. Suddenly she began crying, telling me how she was feeling. Instead of doing what I normally would do - try to change her feelings or solve them for her (or go further into self-shaming), I was led to just hug her, and as she calmed, say how I WAS FEELING. And because I had been present with her, I was aware of my feelings too.

   2. I could suddenly with clarity articulate all the unsaid things I had been feeling for months. "I’m so so sorry, sweet girl. I’m so sorry your parents are not able to make 1 home work so that you live with consistency. But I want you know that you are safe. I want you to understand how loved you are - by both of us. I want you to feel the beautiful unicorn creature that you are - a beautiful flower, that when opened, will change the world. You will change the world, sweet Autumn, and I will see you do it. I will sit in honor at your beauty. And we will never stop loving you. Your mom and dad are imperfect, but we love you to the moon and back. You are a masterpiece and I participated in creating you, and I am proud of it."

   3. She looked at me, silent. Without a word, she took it in. Then she dried her eyes and smiled her unicorn smile and said - “ok, I think I’m ready to do something else now - do you want to play like you’re the daughter and I’m the mom and we live in a castle, and then ….. and then… and then…..?” And I said "Yes, I am ready. I am ready to play with you.” (But only for 15 minutes…. 🙂 )

That moment was special, addictive. New.  

Oddly, I felt more in control being present with her in that way than I do most days. The days I’m trying to gain control over her, the days we bicker or I’m "trying to get her to pick up her shoes already.”  Maybe presence is where I have the most control, for when I am (in these rare but precious moments) present with what is happening right in front of me, I feel like the world is an oyster and pearls appear. And every pearl is a fresh start.

The Challenge and Reward of Learning How to Let Go

Many of us have been inspired by the Marie Kondo movement - letting go of what doesn’t bring us joy, especially when the Netflix series appeared last fall.  For years, I have appreciated the idea of “the life changing magic of tidying up”.  

However, my tidying up process evidently needed an overhaul because that’s what I got!  A super size dose of what it means to “tidy up” in a big way.

I let go of the vision of what I wanted my family to look like

• I let go of over-functioning in some of my relationships

• I let go of a lot of blame and shame

• I let go of the disappointment of some of my dreams not coming into reality

• I let go of emotional suppression

• I let go of the home where my daughter was born and raised for the first 8 years of her life

• I let go of a lot of “stuff” that was in my home and in storage

Yes, it has been a season of letting go.

I just read today (from Marc and Angel Hack Life) that “..letting go is not giving up.  Letting go is surrendering any obsessive attachment to particular people, outcomes and situations.”

The beauty in letting go is this - it breeds fertile ground for new life.

 I never really understood the truth of that until this last year.  I have struggled with letting go.  Up until now, it has been challenging for me to let go because I feel more in control when I hold on tight.  I subconsciously believe that if I can just hold on tight enough, then everything will be ok.  I want to hold on to everything around me.  To the things I have collected, to my people, to everything in my world.  

After a year of a challenging separation and divorce, I was faced this last summer with moving out of the home we had lived in for 10 years, trying to determine what to do with all of the “stuff” that had been collected, including 2 storage units of office furniture.  

You see, our company used to office in a ~1000 sq. foot office.  But a couple of years ago, I had big visions for the space I wanted for our little company.  And to achieve being able to afford a "bigger space", I moved our team to a virtual working arrangement (temporarily, I thought).  So, we rented 2 storage units to store all of the office belongings and our team all began working separately from home.  I believed and had visioned we would have an “expanded” space eventually - one where we could hold “ideation” and focus group sessions.  And all the while, our "beloved office belongings” had been hanging ever so patiently in 2 storage units, as our work and lives went on….

What I didn’t realize was that all of the office “stuff” I had been storing as well as the overflow in my house represented soooo much other emotional baggage I had been holding on to as well.

The process for letting go of that stuff was painful.  It forced me to take a look globally at everything I was holding onto. I had to get face to face with the big dreams I once had, the ones I hardly even knew were there.  The whole process was symbolic for everything I felt about the failure of my marriage - heartache, grief, pain and shame.

But here’s what’s interesting about the letting go process.

1. Letting Go requires Presence - you can’t really choose what you will let go of and what you will hold onto unless you get really present with how you feel about everything individual thing in your space. You have to come face to face with whatever you’ve been suppressing - the fact that you made the choice to purchase it, regret for not using it, guilt for the money spent on it, and everything else in between.

2. Letting Go is therapeutic - because it’s chaotic, because it brings up stored emotions you didn’t know were there, it actually helps you release stored pain.

3. Releasing allows Freedom to Begin Again - then, you get to make a new choice - what’s great about making new choices Is that it brings with it a sense of freedom.

4. Removal of physical clutter facilitates Renewal - I never realized how much subconscious clutter I had going on, rattling away in some region of my mind because I was holding on tightly to physical “clutter” I could no longer see.

5. There is Healing on the Other Side - I like systems, processes, things that “line up”, are predictable. And letting go creates unpredictable feelings. That IS part of the process, and the only way to the other side is through it.

What I learned from the process:

1. Burning paper items was a surprisingly cathartic way to let go - and much less expensive than my therapy. The releasing that occurred when I went through many old boxes of stored papers - everything from old “data” from my early years of work in my 20’s to old love letters from elementary, middle and high school friends/boyfriends - was burned. So many things that are unimportant but somehow subconsciously attached - gone. I smile again just thinking about that.

2. Talking openly with a compassionate friend about what I was experiencing helped lessen the pain, guilt and shame I was facing. It also gave way to several ideas and happenings that never would have existed otherwise:

1. One friend told me about a company who does estate sales. They came in, took a commission for a % of the total made, and they handled the whole thing. For us, it was extremely rewarding.

2. I brought my daughter into the process by telling her she got to decide what she kept at dads, what she wanted to take with us, and what she wanted to let go of. I told her everything of hers was her choice and whatever money we made, we would go on a special trip of her choosing with the money we made. We are going to Paris in 2 weeks with the money we made :)!!!!

3. Doing that made the emotional pain easier because we had a goal, an incentive for letting go as well as a semi-pain free way to logistically make things go away.

And so the benefit of letting go for me has been like tilling up the soil before planting - it brings forth soil that is rich and ready for new life.  It is open, and waiting. 

I feel new life coming in some days.  Other days I just wait.  Ever so slowly and somedays magically, I am seeing things being brought in - because now there is space to enjoy it, to revel in it, to see it, notice it, be grateful for it. 

Yes, I am grateful for the “fall” of this season.  And of my daughter, Autumn, who helps me understand with full clarity what to hold on to…albeit a little looser each day. 

Self-Care Habits to Use this Fall

So this summer was a unique one for me. I made a commitment to myself:

1. I was not going to take any travel work projects

2. I would commit to taking better care of myself

3. I would spend more quality time with Autumn.

If I were to rate myself on a scale of 1 to 10 on how well I achieved this goal I would have initially given myself a 4.

But I would give myself a 4 and feel happy about it. I might even give myself a 3 1/2 and feel happy about it.  Even though it wasn’t exactly what I envisioned, my attitude improved about what I DID make happen.  

Typically, I would create a scenario where I would only focus on everything I should or should not have done instead of allowing myself to feel good about what I HAD done well.  And when I do that, it sends me into a spiraling story that ends in the space between guilt and shame.

However, this summer I stayed focused on how I could create more of what I wanted. Because I was focusing on that, my brain somehow let go of what I didn’t do well.

And here are a few tricks that helped me at least make some of it happen. These are the ones I plan to keep now that the summer is over:

1. Create Calendar Commitments: I started putting time for what I wanted to focus on in my calendar (as if it were a meeting) BEFORE letting it fill up with my many obligations to others - clients, friends, extended family, or even my own family.

   1. I literally put a calendar entry in my calendar for “April happy heart” time. This summer I was able to create 4 whole days of this. I originally wanted to do that every week but what a gift it was to have several full days where I woke up and did what my heart wanted.

   2. Now don’t get me wrong, usually about the time I was about to embark on my dreamland to do what April wants, I would inevitably get bombarded with something urgent or a fire to put out, or my computer breaking etc.

   3. So not every “full day” was dedicated completely to “April’s happy heart” but even so, I found that if I would honor the calendar commitment I made to myself, at least some space would get set aside for that purpose.

2. Little to No Pre-Planning: Ok, so now that I had a “calendar commitment”, I felt like I needed a “plan” to ensure it was fruitful. But then, planning “free time” felt somewhat ironic. What I learned is that the biggest value of having space for myself was that I was able to get out of my normal planning mode. Instead, I:

   1. Created a “bucket list” of passions, interests, and other things I would like to do on Trello so that when my free time started, at least I wasn’t racking my brain for “what do I do now?” (ok, so maybe that counts as some planning….)

   2. On the day of my commitment to self, I would wake up, look at my Trello list and pick something that felt good in that moment.

   3. To be honest, one of my favorite ways to spend my time was to simply “rest” – I had, up until this summer, devalued the beauty and benefits of resting.

3. Protect My Time: It’s surprising how much I (up until now) tend to value everyone else’s time over my own. I don’t know if it’s because I was taught to “put others before yourself” or if it has to do with my strength of Empathy . Who knows but regardless, I am learning that I can show up for other’s needs in a healthier way if I allow myself to have time for me. I love the way Jordan Gray puts it here. So, I am seeing the value of:

   1. Saying “no”

   2. Staying focused on my goals

   3. Treating myself like I would my clients - protecting my time as if I had a very important meeting with someone that I couldn’t miss.

4. Take more Epson salt baths. This may sound ridiculous or overly simple, but the beauty of a bath is not to be overlooked! I got to where I was taking a bath almost 5 nights a week. It feels so indulgent and yet it really doesn’t take much to make that happen. For me, the key is to:

   1. Wait until Autumn goes down, then lock my bathroom door

   2. Put in 4 cups of Epson salt

   3. 8 drops of Serenity doterra oil

   4. Light five white candles

   5. Turn the lights off.

   6. Maybe listen to an audio book or soothing music (here are the 5 books on my Audible play list now)

      1. Girl Wash Your Face: Stop Believing the Lies About Who You Are So You Can Become Who You Were Meant to Be

      2. The Art of Empathy

      3. Kick Ass with Mel Robbins

      4. Big Magic

So, here’s the most interesting part.  The reason I initially gave myself a 4 is because I didn’t feel good about my time with Autumn.  It felt harder for me to define or qualify what was “quality time” with Autumn.

Yes, we vacationed together. Yes, we got a handful of lazy mornings together. But honestly, there were lots of camps, lots of spur of the moment changes in plans, lots of her getting to socialize and be with her friends

That was all great – but how much did that count as quality time with me? 

I had separated quality time with myself from quality time with her. I was “measuring”, “calculating”, “analyzing” my time with her.

It wasn’t until one night the week before school started that something shifted in the way I was thinking about my time with her.  I would call it a magical moment.  When putting her to bed, I had this moment where I just laid there, noticing her beauty and listening to her as if for the first time.  I suddenly had this feeling that nothing else mattered except this moment with us.  It was like time stopped. 

And suddenly, I really got how the time with me “filling my cup” really DID translate to the connection with her. 

I saw that time with me = more capacity to be with her.  Can I hashtag that? - don’t know if you’re supposed to do that with a blog. #timewithmeequalsmorecapacitywithher. 

Instead of anxiously worrying about whether I was doing “good enough” and being a mom who could measure up, I shifted into a space of just being grateful for the moment I had with her. 

And with that gratitude, I saw that the act of analyzing and measuring my “effectiveness as a mom” was actually taking me away from the very thing I was trying to create with her.  Special moments.

So, maybe I’ll give myself a 10!

Going Through the Emotional Journey of a Writing Retreat

In July, I took a week by myself to write in Tulum, Mexico.  That’s right - write.  I have been wanting to write an online course to teach small businesses how to use empathy to build a brand for about 2 years.  I have THOUGHT about doing it for over 2 years, y’all! That’s a lot of thinking.  Oh wait, I did a lot of research about it, too.  I researched others who were doing it, I bought several online courses.  I brainstormed about the type of content it would need, but I didn’t actually start DOING anything about it until this spring.  This spring I started acting on it.  Even then, my actions swirled around everything BUT the writing of the course.  Actually getting something, anything on paper (well, computer) was the missing part in my whole process.   

It’s fascinating, because get what my #1 strength on Strengthfinders is?  Activator. Seriously???? That strength has been the backbone of my business – I am typically really good at acting on what I need to do.  So, I have had to ask myself recently, why have I struggled so much with acting on this project I really want to do?  There I am again, going back to the questions, the thoughts, the analysis. “Stop and act, April”, I would say to myself.  And still, I watched distractions grab at me every turn, especially when I had taken out time to write. I knew I had to eliminate as many as possible to give myself the time and space to write.  

So, 3 things occurred simultaneously as I was telling myself it was time to act:

1. My mom at the last minute asked if she could take Autumn for a week

2. A research project got cancelled

3. I had a random conversation with a friend about Tulum, Mexico,

In a moment, I made a snap decision to book a flight to Cancun, get a car to Tulum by myself and spend the week writing on the beach. 

Sounds wonderful, eh?  I was giddy proud of myself for this “action” as I settled into my cute, bohemian boutique hotel.  This blog, however, is not about the glamour of this week to myself, it is about the painful mind journey that happened AFTER deciding to book the trip.

By the end of the week, I definitely had clarity on the battle that goes on in my brain.  I realized I didn’t know how crazy I was until I was alone with my thoughts, trying to do something totally new for several days. 

So, that brings me to Tulum. 

I learned that “getting away” is only part of the hurdle when it comes to having a specific goal of writing.  I wasn’t fully aware of how much resistance I have to writing and how the self-talk prevents me from doing the 1 thing I want to do most.  I had to ask myself, “why is this so hard?” and I think it’s this:  my brain is more comfortable consuming information than it is creating it. You see, I love to read, and the more I read, the more I know.  But transferring knowledge into something that’s meaningful is a completely different story.  I have read 2 of Steven Pressfield’s books, which are incredible:  The War of Art and Do The Work.  And they sum up quite nicely what he talks about as Resistance.  I experienced it in full force that week.  The battle in my mind went something like this:

1. This is fun, I’m excited and nervous.

2. WTF am I doing?

3. Hmmm…this hotel is nice but I really wish it had air conditioning. I’m definitely not going to be able to write in a non-A/C’d room.

4. Where is the perfect place to write? There is no perfect place to write.

5. The beach would be good but I’ll get sand in my computer; the hammock would be good but how am I going to type while I'm swinging.

6. How can I see the ocean while I’m writing – that will definitely help.

7. I’m pretty sure this is a dumb idea.

8. It’s for sure a dumb idea.

9. I’m not safe, someone’s going to kill or rape me down here.

10. When can I let myself have a margarita?

11. I love myself.

12. I can do this.

13. How can I make myself do this?

14. Ok, I’ve figured it out. I’m going to make it a game and give myself a treat for every module I write.

15. I made a checklist, now I’m pumped.

16. Are we there yet?

17. I rocked the 1st module, I’m a badass.

18. 5 more to go, this is definitely a dumb idea.

19. Why can’t I just be normal and let myself have/be fun?

20. You’re a bad ass, brave woman…do it.

21. I should be laying on the beach, that’s how I can get more creative.

22. If I lay on a beach, I’m just going to want to read, drink margaritas and fall asleep, not necessarily in that order.

23. Why are people bothering me on email and text? Don’t they know I’m trying to do something important?

24. I definitely think laying on the beach is a good idea.

That was all during the morning of Day 1.  And Day 1 wasn’t the only battle, Day 3’s battle was different because it involved other people….

I had told a few friends that I was going, ones who I knew would be super supportive, and thank God their positive energy held me up.  Something triggered me to reach out to another friend on Day 2 evening.  I’ve known her for a long time, and after a couple of texts, I ended up texting her about what I was doing this and asked her to send me good vibes and for grace for myself as I was working through it.  Her text reply was something like “Good luck - that sounds horrible.”   That triggered Day 3’s battle – the battle of “needing other’s approval.”  When I got that text back, I was pissed because it certainly didn’t feel supportive.  However, after exploring my feelings further, I realized that me expecting others to approve or love what I’m doing is unrealistic.  I have typically (up until now) sought love from everyone around me but this week, it became clear that the more I could be kind to myself and love myself through it regardless of what anyone thought, the easier the process would be.  The more I “beat myself up” for not doing things good or perfect enough, the harder the process was.

By the end, I realized 2 things that were extremely valuable, and I wish I had learned them long ago.

1. Work and Play can co-exist: Having fun and doing the hard word do not have to be mutually exclusive. Once I made the “work” of writing a game, and started “playing” with the idea of what time I could lay on the beach and have a margarita, I actually started having fun writing. I learned that when I made the choice that it would be fun, it was. It was fun because I chose doing something hard over thinking too much. In fact, even thought it was still a terrible first draft, I was “playing” with words for the first time in a really long time.

2. Activating before Hesitating is the Key. The longer I sat around and thought about it, analyzed it, mulled it over, the harder it was to begin each day. When I just “started” moving my fingers over the keys, without letting my thoughts and distractions over take me, my brain followed my body. The words started to flow, and I wrote quite a bit more than I thought I would.

The irony of the whole deal, is that the battle is not over.  I got back and was sharing with someone else about the process I went through and the first thing they said was, “So, what’s your plan now for finishing it out?”  And I thought to myself, “Shit, now I have to more…” 

Will it get easier?  I hope.  I do know one thing.  It’s starting to take on a life of its own.  It’s like no matter what comes of it, I have to finish it, primarily because I don’t want all of that experience to be wasted.  But, now I'm ready for a REAL beach vacation.  I can’t wait to get back to the beach…and just lay around and read.  Maybe I’ll book one when I complete the course!

Design Thinking and Montessori in Research

Two weeks ago, I was honored to speak at the 2018 MSMR conference in Arlington.  

It wasn’t until a few years ago that I even realized one of the best Master of Science in Marketing Research programs was here in the Dallas-Fort Worth area at University of Texas at Arlington.  

I enjoy this conference, and the association.  In fact, of all the Marketing Research conferences I have attended in the last few years, this may be my favorite.  It’s probably because I appreciate the energy in the room.  The longer I live, the more I love being around college students.  Maybe I’m getting cynical and I just enjoy being around people who seem excited about life and are excited about this industry.  I am reminded of why I got into marketing research in the first place.

But I digress - I spoke about Design Thinking AND about a Montessori Mindset.  This is the second time I’ve spoken on this topic.  The first was at the QRCA conference last January.  This time I only had 30 minutes to pull together 2 very different frameworks and show how we used them in a research project…so I talked fast.  

You can see the presentation here.  And my original presentation here.  If you’re interested in the Design Thinking workbook we developed, you can text "Research" to 66866 and receive a PDF copy.  

Learnings from a Mommy Daughter Vacation to Mexico

I’m sure many might ask why I would chose to take a "girls trip" to Mexico with just me and my 7 year old daughter in the middle of spring. At least I asked myself that as the day of departure grew closer. When I first saw fares for $200 from Dallas to Cabo, I emailed my friend who lives there, and said "We’re coming!"  And I found a small window that could work, and bought the tickets!   But that was about 2 months ago…  As time grew closer, many fears started creeping in, wondering whether it was safe for us to go by ourselves, knowing that it would not be a typical "relaxing vacation" on the beach with just the 2 of us, as my primary concern would be her safety.  I also started stressing about taking the time off - we had just been on vacation for spring break and it felt a little indulgent to go again.  Plus, our lives are so freaking busy with work, school, activities, I mean it’s spring time, people.  "There’s soooo much to do!" I kept telling myself. It’s just not a good time.  I almost cancelled the trip.  

But at some point, a few days before we traveled, I made a choice.  I chose to make this the best mom and daughter trip we could possibly have together.  Tickets had already been purchased, and I became very cognizant of just how much of my life I spend "waiting for the perfect situation."  When she gets old enough, when we can all go as a family, when I am not so overwhelmed with work.  When, when, when.  When is now.  When is happening in front of me as I strive to perfect, perform and please.  I am so so grateful that I made the decision to go… Not only to go but to really BE with my daughter.  I learned so much about myself these past few days, and   about her. Here are a few...

1. Walmart CAN be wonderful - I can’t believe I am saying this but when you’ve had a rough travel day and still need to get food, there’s nothing like having a Walmart in Mexico to stock up on breakfast items and snacks for your stay.

2. There’s an "art" to planning- Figuring out the right level of planning for a vacation with a child is definitely an art form. Sunset sailing? Dinner at a Brazilian restaurant? Sounds wonderful, right? I am so lucky to have friends in Cabo and when my friend planned a wonderful sunset cruise she invited us to, I was thrilled. As time grew nearer and my daughter continued to enjoy herself in the pool, I knew that a sunset cruise for her wasn’t going to be joy-filled for anyone who showed up on that sailboat. Here’s the thing, I get that kids need to learn to go along with plans and adapt to situations, and it can’t be all about them. I also get that I can choose to stick to this belief doggedly or create a situation where (at least on vacation) we can adapt to how we’re feeling rather than sticking to a rigid plan. It’s an art, meaning there’s no perfect answer… and that’s ok.

3. Being on the beach is great but being in the ocean is better - we were so blessed to go whale watching on the last day of the seasonand got to see a mother and child whale pair migrating together. I mean, can you even believe that luck??? It was AMAZING! Seeing a “baby” 10-foot humpback whale breaching (playing) was stunning and glorious and reminded me that the connection of a mom and child is a universal gift. My 7-year old may not understand what a miracle it was to witness this but then again, maybe she understands it even more than I do. Regardless, I am so glad for the miracle anyway. So, so grateful!!!!

4. Limiting electronics is a rule for mommy, too - So we’re all concerned about the electronic addiction of kids, right? But I have to say that it’s funny how concerned I am about her electronic addiction and tend to ignore my own. It’s hard to put down the phone, knowing that clients, employees and others all have questions or other needs that “require” my attention. Oh, and just one quick peek on Facebook while I’m on the phone. It requires SERIOUS intention to just be ok with not responding immediately to every email/request/need/question that others have of me, and instead, choose to put down my phone, and be with her in the moment. It was not lost on me that my own addiction is looming in the background of my electronics rules for her. And breathing through that without all the guilt that goes with the realization helps me put down the phone more quickly.

5. Boredom is beautiful - I learned that my child is evidently accustomed to an over-planned life, too, and that it’s ok for her to be "bored." When my daughter’s bored, I recognized my first reaction is to help her find something to do - put an activity in front of her, give her some ideas for using her time. However, awareness of this is the first step, right? And breathing through it is the 2nd. And then just being ok with her boredom, I realize that boredom has its beauty.

6. Mommy melts down sometimes, too - My belief that I should be strong enough to weather even the biggest emotional storm of a child with total and complete calm is well, bullshit. Yes, breathing is good. Being with what is is even better - but sometimes, all of that just goes out the window and an emotional storm has to be met with an emotional storm. That’s ok, we can pick up and try again. And don’t blame me, dear, for the cuss word you just learned, I will certainly deny it and blame it on someone else who is unsuspecting!

Essential Oils for Everything

I have become a little obsessed with essential oils starting a few years ago, increasingly so in the last few months.  I’ll be honest, the whole essential oil thing was all a little overwhelming and confusing at first.  Some oils could be used topically, some should be diffused, still others should be taken internally.  There were so many oils and so little time to understand what, when and how to use them.  Little by little, I have found some routines that have stuck and am now officially on the bandwagon.

Here are a few of my favorites and how I use them:  

1. Serenity – my daughter uses this as a part of her nighttime ritual, rubbing it on her neck, chest and feet to help her relax (we put about 10 drops of it with fractionated coconut oil. I also put ~5 drops directly into my bathwater along 4 cups of Epsom salt.

2. Frankincense – People claim this to be “the king of oils” because of its long history of healing properties but it’s expensive so I typically use this more sparingly but often by mixing a few drops in both my face and body lotions.

3. Past Tense – one of our team members, Shelley Miller, first introduced this to me a few years ago and I swear by it. Rubbing this on the back of my neck can reduce tension and give a refreshed feeling for hours. I love this!

4. Lemon, Slim & Sassy and Peppermint blend – Recently, I got creative and decided to create a mix of the best tasting oils. I used a partially empty bottle of Lemon and eye-balled it, putting equal parts of all 3 in the bottle. I use it daily, all day, dropping a few drops in every bottle of water. It’s refreshing, helps me get my water intake daily, and I notice feeling better. Tip: use a klean kanteen, swell or other bottle - not a plastic one.

5. OnGuard Beadlets– we have made it through the seasonal season with only 2 days of a high temperature (crossing my fingers as I write) and I believe one of the reasons is because of our preventative daily dose of 5 beadlets. It’s anti-bacterial and germ-destroying properties are keeping our bodies from full on attack thus far.

6. Emotional blends (Motivate, Peace, Cheer & Forgive) – these are a few of the ones I use. I love having them with me so that when I’m going into a high-pressure meeting, all day research, or just need to get myself in gear to focus, I use these to trigger the mood I want to move me forward. We love them so much, we gave these out as our Christmas gifts this year and they were a hit. Here are the cards we made along with them!

Motivate is an encouraging blend with elements of peppermint, citrus, and spices which help with feeling confident and courageous. 

Peace is a reassuring blend, which uses floral and mint scents to help cultivate feelings of tranquility and comfort. 

Cheer is an uplifting blend with a bright, fresh aroma that lifts spirits and creates positivity. 

Forgive is a rejuvenating blend that brings about relief and patience. The woodsy scent sooths strained nerves, helping heal through contentment. 

How to Make this Valentine's Day One to Remember

When we decided to write a blog for Valentine’s Day, my first thought was “how are we going to talk about love in a way that’s interesting, non-cliché and meaningful? 

Then, I asked myself: “what would I want to read?”  I want to read bullet points, ideas that are easy to act on, or could bring about a shift in my thinking. On a day where there is so much expectation about love, I wanted to write something that could go beyond a “significant other”.

So, the more questions I asked, the more I realized this blog should really be about key questions to ask on Valentine’s Day.  And as a researcher, this just felt better anyway!  So, here goes my list of Valentine’s Day questions as food for thought – along with some resources that helped me answer my questions!!

1. What would happen if I smiled at everyone I saw today?  
2. How would I feel if I complimented someone I admire?  
3. Why is there so much talk about “self-love” being a precursor to loving others? 
4. What are the things that make my heart happy? 
5. How can I be more kind to people who really irk me? 
6. How can I find time in my crazy schedule to spend more time with people I love? 
7. What can I do to love more and stress less? Thank you, my dear fellow Texan, Brene Brown, for your poignant quote, downloadable here. 
8. What can help give me an immediate lift of joy?